i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
