I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
