i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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