i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My balls are so social today.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
