Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
