Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
How naked do you want me to be?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
