dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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