soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
