y did u give ur computer a hand job?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
