I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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