smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
True college students do jello shots in the library
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
