the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
