He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
