GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
