Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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