its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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