Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
