I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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