I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize