I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
