HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
