my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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