it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
