either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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