I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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