I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
