i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
