I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
