who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You are the jesus of drinking
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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