I hate your face
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
