We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
