there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
