just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
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