I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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