I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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