Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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