FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize