We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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