Soap is not a condiment
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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