Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
