dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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