Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
