hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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