Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
