Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
