i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
