My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Soap is not a condiment
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
