I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Randomize
