If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
