4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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