since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
