So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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