I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize