i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
