I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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