I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
