he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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