Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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